Home Stretch

We're approaching 38 weeks... and I had a doctor's appointment today. She gave us the green light - Adison can come any time now, everything is ready. The baby has turned head-down. I'm not dilated at all, but things are moving in that direction. She gave us a list of what to look for, when to call, when to head to the hospital, etc. It's really happening.

It's so hard to believe that the squirmy sensation in my belly is going to be a baby in my arms in just a matter of a week or two. (She said hopefully.) It's so hard to imagine how much our lives are going to change in that instant.

I've gained a total of 21 pounds now. It doesn't look larger to me, but all of my maternity tank tops no longer fully reach the bottom of the belly.

We're still making final prep on the nursery - Martin needs to finish the closet, and the curtains/crib bumper/ruffle need to be installed - and I need to figure out exactly what decorations should go on the walls besides just paint. But we're ready. As ready as we can be!

Here's a question for you moms - as I pack for the hospital, I am wondering what I need that I'm not thinking of. Any advice? Anything that will prove invaluable? What do I have to have for the first few days that we're home?

15 weeks!

Tomorrow will be 15 weeks, and we are well into the 2nd trimester. The nausea has abated quite a bit, although my relationship with food is still somewhat shaky. I used to eat one or two meals a day, never really needing to eat as much as I needed to sleep. Now, if I don't eat every 3-4 hours, I get shaky, my head hurts, I feel weak, and sometimes I think I'm going to faint. It's unsettling, especially when you're out shopping!

The baby should be about 4" right now, and weigh about 1.5 oz. I'm not really showing yet. I'll have to start taking pictures soon. Our next doctor appointment is November 12, and we'll find out then if it's a boy or a girl!

We've heard in the past few weeks of several expectant couples who miscarried - old high school friends, family of friends, friends of family - and it makes us thankful that this one has been healthy so far! But our heart breaks for those who are now going through the re-adjustment to not expecting, and we know how it feels. Please pray for those you know are going through this.

On the other side, so many people are looking forward to bundles of joy coming soon! In our church alone, 4 are expecting, 3 of which will deliver before the end of the year. We're looking forward to meeting the newest member of our church by this weekend!

Waiting to Exhale

I'm not one to worry, but there has been a pit in my stomach for the past few weeks. Although I knew that everything was going to be fine with the baby, I couldn't shake that lingering thought that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't.

This morning, I had my first ultrasound. There was a tiny body, with a flashing, flickering little heartbeat! My friend Lisa was there with me, and she started crying. Tonya says that's appropriate, since Lisa was standing in for Martin, and he would have cried, too.

I'm so thankful to know that this baby is healthy and growing. The heart rate was 167, which both Lisa and Noelle say means it's a girl. We'll see about that!

Blessed

"You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said."

Luke 1:45

Why I Wrestle

On our way to Mexico, Martin and I received the disappointing confirmation that once again, we were not pregnant. (In hindsight, as hot and brutal as those days in Tijuana were, I'm glad, I guess, that I wasn't.) I was broken. It's so difficult to walk in faith and not let your hopes rise. How can I have faith that God is working with us to have another baby and not hope that this is the month?

This month had special significance, because our baby was due the end of July. Somehow, if we had managed to get pregnant again before our first baby was to be born, it would make this month so much easier. But that's not the case, and it's all the more difficult.

I read this today, and it really encouraged me... in the way that makes you cry in your keyboard.

Why I Wrestle

About a year ago, I confessed some frustration I was having with God. I just felt like I was struggling with Him, like we were pushing each other around and battling over a few issues. My counselor listened and then said,

"God loves that."

This is not the answer I was expecting. I thought he would say, "You need to trust the Lord more." Or "You need to let go and let God." But he didn't say that. He said that God loves when I wrestle with Him. I of course asked why.

"Jon, do you know what is true about wrestling? Have you ever stopped to think about the nature of wrestling? God loves to wrestle with us, because you can't wrestle with someone that is far away. They have to be close to you. It's a very intimate, personal activity."

And I think he was right. I think that God wants me close. I think He wants me near to His side, close enough to feel His breath and know His strength. And when I approach to wrestle over an issue with Him, like Jacob wrestling, I don't think He is angry. I think He is happy, because I am close.

What inspires you?

Last night, Brad spoke to our staff about speaking to mountains and using our faith and our words to change the circumstances that we face. I have to say, what he said inspired me.

“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth,
if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed,
you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”
Matthew 17:20 (NLT)

I have moments when I'm really aware of what I am feeling and thinking, and those usually turn into blog posts. For the rest of the time, I go along happily in contented distraction, not really tuned into my every thought and emotion. I am often blindsided by the depth of my emotional reaction to something, which gets me thinking, which makes me realize that I've been feeling one way or another... is any of this making sense?

I wouldn't say I'm in denial, although sometimes it might be. It's more like I get wrapped up with the external and lose touch with the internal. Then something happens, sometimes almost unrelated or unremarkable, and I find myself crying. It often takes me a while to discover what it is I'm reacting to.

Anyhow, I realized last night that I've been unconsciously avoiding the whole "trying again" thing, returning to our previous "if it happens, it will happen" stance. There's something about "not really trying" that softens the disappointment. I thought it was the circumstances of our lives and schedules creating the "not trying" situation, but it was really me.

After Brad's comments last night, and several conversations Martin and I have had recently, I decided to speak to the mountain, to take positive action, to really do something in faith.



The day we found out we had lost the baby, I stopped taking my prenatal pills. I hated taking them, they made me feel sicker and if I wasn't doing it to take care of the baby, there was no point.

Ideally, you should take prenatal vitamins before conception so that your folic acid levels are high during the crucial first few weeks of development. This morning, as a very small, mustard-seed-sized step, I took my first vitamin. And I will continue to do so until God's promise to us comes to pass, again.

Thanks for continuing to pray for us.

My Feet Show It

Those of you who know Martin and my dating story know that it was not a simple, easy or straight path. We had a few roadblocks, dead ends and one big pothole.

In times of sadness, stress and frustration, you learn some things about yourself. I once heard someone say that people are like ketchup packets: until you squeeze them, you don't know what's really inside. Well, among other things, I found that a really lousy poet is inside me. When I feel rotten, I write rotten poetry. Our dating saga produced some doozies. I sure hope that I threw them away...

After a particularly hard night last week, this is what came to me. Enjoy, or not, as it is truly terrible.

My Womb

Is an empty tomb; the tiny body spirited away.
Is an unoccupied room; the little one couldn't stay.
Is a garden without bloom;... something that ends in "day"?

That's as far as I got. It's been in my Drafts folder for over a week, and I finally
decided that there was no more inspiration in that particular well. I hope the laugh you get from my morose and overly simplistic rhyming scheme makes your day better.

No Tears in Heaven

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes,
and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.
All these things are gone forever.

Matthew 6:10
May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.

Galatians 6:2
Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.

There are many scriptures about the Church being one body. We often hear the local church assembly being referred to as family. But until you experience what we have experienced these past few weeks, these are just words that we use.

From the first phone call to last night's prayer meeting, we have been supported, surrounded and comforted by our closest friends, those we attend church with, and those we have just met during our church merge. From the first convergence of support, both to me here in Phoenix and to Martin in Las Vegas, we have been stunned by the generosity of those around us. Everything was dropped so that I wouldn't have to be alone. Travel plans were made so that Martin could be home with me that night. So many offers to bring meals, to be with us at the surgery center, to just hang out. So many prayers. So many notes of encouragement. So many hugs and smiles. So many who shared their own stories of loss so that we would know there is hope.

I have seen more tears in others' eyes as they ask how we are doing that I know that many have been shed in private for our loss. And I am surprised by how few tears I have shed for myself. And now I see it: when we get to heaven, Jesus himself will wipe the tears from our eyes and there will be no more crying. My church family, my own body, have cried tears on our behalf, have carried our burden, have prayed peace and strength beyond what we could have even imagined, and have brought a little bit of heaven to earth.

Thank you all.

Gettin' Naked

My first thought when I found out that we were not, in fact, going to be having a baby in July, was how many people I had to tell. That thought was so overwhelming... and I'm so glad that many of you have gently and quietly spread the word for us.

My next thought was how much of my life I had to "put back": the maternity clothes, the baby stuff, the books and this blog. I was going to delete it, but Terri said that I shouldn't. This isn't the end of our baby journey. Just a pit stop we didn't anticipate.

So until we can start (more cautiously, I'm sure) celebrating the NEXT one... I'm going to use this to journal my feelings about this journey we're on. And I don't think it's always going to be pretty. It likely won't be what you expect. And I might say things that shock you. But this is my journey, my loss and my journal, so I'm going to "get naked" with my feelings and say what I think.

Humor is a big part of my life. I love to laugh. And I hate to cry. That balance has been out of whack since Friday, but slowly we are getting back to what feels more normal. Last night, I went to see Juno with a group of friends. I wasn't sure how the movie would make me feel, all things considered, and I was pleasantly surprised that although the entire film was about pregnancy, birth and wanting a child, it was handled with such wit and empathy and humor that I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There were moments I could identify with, and it was definitely a chick flick with teary moments, but I really laughed a lot.

I'll write more about this later, but I just want to say that I am overwhelmed by how thankful and blessed I feel right now. The outpouring of love and the friends who stepped up and dropped everything to just be there... it still makes me tear up just thinking about it. We have such wonderful people in our lives. We are so blessed.