Our Hearts' Longing

Psalm 21:2
For you have given [us our] heart’s desire;
you have withheld nothing [we] requested.

In May 2002, Martin and I were married. We both knew we wanted to have children, and had actually spent several evenings while we were dating at Barnes & Noble, only to end up looking at baby name books. It wasn't a question of if but when.

We moved to Arizona in January 2004, and were so excited about the journey that we were on with our closest friends. In time, we decided that we were ready to start our family. Christmas 2004 was spent with my family in Seattle, and I was humming with the knowledge that we would soon have great news for my family. As my grandmother, mother and I made greeting cards, I made cards to use in the next few months to let my parents know we were pregnant.

We planned so carefully, considering the Arizona summers. We stopped using birth control in March of 2005, fully expectant that we would soon be parents. (That gives us an October or November baby, only a few months pregnant during the hottest months.) And nothing happened.

I had let my mom know that we were trying, and she often told me that she was praying for it to happen at the right time. (When I told her that we were finally pregnant, she shared that both she and Nick had felt like it wasn't going to happen right away.) I knew it would happen at the right time, but I wanted the right time to be NOW.

Our life was full, busy, active, and we didn't let our lack of success discourage us. As the months passed, we continued to hope, but really weren't that preoccupied or disappointed as each month turned out to not be the right one.

There were low times, to be sure. As the months passed and it didn't look like this was going to be as easy as we first thought, my desire for a child grew. So small at first, I didn't even notice that an ache began to reside in my heart. The most unexpected thing - a silly TV show, a child in the mall, an unknowing question from a stranger - would cause it to flare up. I cried in disappointment, in frustration.

We grew closer as a couple, and had some really great events happen. We bought our first home in May 2005. In September 2006, we started Financial Peace University, Dave Ramsey's 16-week course in finances that changed our lives. We worked on our relationship, our communication, and ourselves.

In October 2006, I attended my cousin Luke's wedding in Kansas. Of course, my extended family was giving me a hard time about when we were going to have kids, and I said, "We've been trying. I don't think we're doing it right!" Later that afternoon, my cousin Jimi approached me and asked if we really had been trying. As I shared with her how long we had, it struck me that it had been two years since we had decided to try (only 19 months actually trying). I hadn't realized it had been so long, and I was flooded by hopelessness. On the flight home a few days later, the baby in the seat in front of me kept pressing her hand to the window. As I looked at those chubby little fingers, I wept for the baby I desperately wanted. (Those of you who saw me at Trunk-or-Treat and wondered why I was a tearful mess... that's why.)

In June 2007, I finally went to my doctor and asked for a referral. At my first appointment, the nurse practitioner told me that although it was unusual to be not taking any preventative measures for over 2 years and not get pregnant, unless we'd been scientifically trying - tracking ovulation, etc. - for at least 3 months, we weren't really "trying".

We'd been hit-and-miss with that stuff, as Martin travels a lot, so it's hard to always be on schedule. Martin had taken all sorts of advice from his married friends with kids, and we did everything, including standing on our heads (almost). I think part of me was scared that if we were being scientific and not being successful, then it was confirmation that there was something wrong.

So in July, we started "trying"... and we had no luck. After three months, I scheduled another appointment with the doctor. (Martin had already scheduled some very humiliating tests, and his results had been unclear. He was scheduled for another appointment when he got back from Africa.) She set me up for a test (HSG), that I was supposed to schedule on the first day of my next cycle. It never came.

By November 15, I realized I was more than a few days late. But I was scared to hope. Martin was in Africa, and I couldn't bear the let-down if the test was negative. So I waited. In weak moments, I would let my guard down and my heart would soar, and I would give myself a reality check. It's not true. You're just a few days late. It's not going to happen. I just couldn't let myself believe it and then be wrong.

By November 19, I was a week late. I had purchased a test the night before, and I took one in the morning at home. It was positive, but it was one of those where the two pink lines have to make a +, and one line was very light. According to the directions, that was positive, but I couldn't believe it. When I got to work, I took another one. It, too, was a very light positive. At lunch, I went to the drug store and bought a digital test. I tried to take it in the bathroom at Wal-Mart, but I screwed up the directions and it was invalid. The directions said I couldn't retake for another hour, so I went back to work and called Martin in Africa. (The time difference was 10 hours, and if I waited until I took the 3rd test, it would be too late to call.) I told him that I had taken two tests, and I was pretty sure we were pregnant. He was so happy he cried. I told him that I was going to take a third test to confirm.

The third test - the digital - left no confusion: Pregnant! (Of course, by the time I got home from work, I had convinced myself I was mistaken, and took a 4th test. Also positive.)

I left that night to see my family for Thanksgiving. Of course, I told my mom the next morning, and she told everyone, including the border guard on our way into Canada! But secretly, I feared that somehow I was mistaken. It wasn't until we came back and the doctor confirmed our 4 pregnancy tests that I finally allowed myself to really, truly believe it: We're going to be parents!