Gettin' Naked

My first thought when I found out that we were not, in fact, going to be having a baby in July, was how many people I had to tell. That thought was so overwhelming... and I'm so glad that many of you have gently and quietly spread the word for us.

My next thought was how much of my life I had to "put back": the maternity clothes, the baby stuff, the books and this blog. I was going to delete it, but Terri said that I shouldn't. This isn't the end of our baby journey. Just a pit stop we didn't anticipate.

So until we can start (more cautiously, I'm sure) celebrating the NEXT one... I'm going to use this to journal my feelings about this journey we're on. And I don't think it's always going to be pretty. It likely won't be what you expect. And I might say things that shock you. But this is my journey, my loss and my journal, so I'm going to "get naked" with my feelings and say what I think.

Humor is a big part of my life. I love to laugh. And I hate to cry. That balance has been out of whack since Friday, but slowly we are getting back to what feels more normal. Last night, I went to see Juno with a group of friends. I wasn't sure how the movie would make me feel, all things considered, and I was pleasantly surprised that although the entire film was about pregnancy, birth and wanting a child, it was handled with such wit and empathy and humor that I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There were moments I could identify with, and it was definitely a chick flick with teary moments, but I really laughed a lot.

I'll write more about this later, but I just want to say that I am overwhelmed by how thankful and blessed I feel right now. The outpouring of love and the friends who stepped up and dropped everything to just be there... it still makes me tear up just thinking about it. We have such wonderful people in our lives. We are so blessed.

There's No Easy Way to Say This

I went in today for an ultrasound, and they couldn't find a heartbeat. After several tests and ultrasounds, we found out that our baby stopped growing 4 weeks ago.

I'm terribly sorry for everyone having to find out like this... it's just not a phone call I want to make 25 times. Crappy news isn't as fun to share.

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and well-wishes. We're doing fine. We'll post more as the weeks pass, I'm sure.

We're not giving up!

Maternity Clothes

My mom is so excited about this baby. She's already bought quite a bit of maternity clothing for me.

My question is this: what SIZE do we buy? If I wear a medium or large now, do I just buy that in the maternity clothes? Or do I size up?

I've always liked maternity clothes. Old Navy has the cutest stuff!

It Ain't Easy Being Green

This weekend the morning sickness (which is really 7 AM - 5 PM sickness) seemed to be worse. I don't know if it's because I was off my routine, so I didn't have a snack handy like I usually do, or if it truly was worse, but I was just miserable all weekend.

Yes, that's right, on my birthday. I had a lovely time on Saturday morning at breakfast with friends and then a luxurious pedicure - with a paraffin wax! - and then I went home and crashed. Martin and I were supposed to go to a movie that night, but I begged off. I basically slept from 2 pm until I got up and went to bed at 10 pm.

Sunday morning was rough, and although I had my smoothie, I was still so queasy all morning. I had a small lunch, which probably contributed to my queasiness in the afternoon as well. By the time we got home, I was faint, sick, tired, headachy, achy, just plain miserable. Again, I napped the afternoon and evening away.

Monday morning was when I realized that perhaps I was so used to feeling bad that I hadn't noticed that I was really sick. In addition to the nausea and tiredness, I had a sore throat, runny nose, cough and I ached. That's not morning sickness! I stayed home from work, slept until noon, got up and ate, napped, got up to take a shower, almost threw up, ate a popsicle, napped some more, watched a TV movie while my sheets were in the washer/dryer, and went to bed.

This morning, I feel just as lousy. I'm not sure if this is going to be the new "normal" or if I'm still fighting a bug. Either way, I'm ready to feel like myself again!

Our Hearts' Longing

Psalm 21:2
For you have given [us our] heart’s desire;
you have withheld nothing [we] requested.

In May 2002, Martin and I were married. We both knew we wanted to have children, and had actually spent several evenings while we were dating at Barnes & Noble, only to end up looking at baby name books. It wasn't a question of if but when.

We moved to Arizona in January 2004, and were so excited about the journey that we were on with our closest friends. In time, we decided that we were ready to start our family. Christmas 2004 was spent with my family in Seattle, and I was humming with the knowledge that we would soon have great news for my family. As my grandmother, mother and I made greeting cards, I made cards to use in the next few months to let my parents know we were pregnant.

We planned so carefully, considering the Arizona summers. We stopped using birth control in March of 2005, fully expectant that we would soon be parents. (That gives us an October or November baby, only a few months pregnant during the hottest months.) And nothing happened.

I had let my mom know that we were trying, and she often told me that she was praying for it to happen at the right time. (When I told her that we were finally pregnant, she shared that both she and Nick had felt like it wasn't going to happen right away.) I knew it would happen at the right time, but I wanted the right time to be NOW.

Our life was full, busy, active, and we didn't let our lack of success discourage us. As the months passed, we continued to hope, but really weren't that preoccupied or disappointed as each month turned out to not be the right one.

There were low times, to be sure. As the months passed and it didn't look like this was going to be as easy as we first thought, my desire for a child grew. So small at first, I didn't even notice that an ache began to reside in my heart. The most unexpected thing - a silly TV show, a child in the mall, an unknowing question from a stranger - would cause it to flare up. I cried in disappointment, in frustration.

We grew closer as a couple, and had some really great events happen. We bought our first home in May 2005. In September 2006, we started Financial Peace University, Dave Ramsey's 16-week course in finances that changed our lives. We worked on our relationship, our communication, and ourselves.

In October 2006, I attended my cousin Luke's wedding in Kansas. Of course, my extended family was giving me a hard time about when we were going to have kids, and I said, "We've been trying. I don't think we're doing it right!" Later that afternoon, my cousin Jimi approached me and asked if we really had been trying. As I shared with her how long we had, it struck me that it had been two years since we had decided to try (only 19 months actually trying). I hadn't realized it had been so long, and I was flooded by hopelessness. On the flight home a few days later, the baby in the seat in front of me kept pressing her hand to the window. As I looked at those chubby little fingers, I wept for the baby I desperately wanted. (Those of you who saw me at Trunk-or-Treat and wondered why I was a tearful mess... that's why.)

In June 2007, I finally went to my doctor and asked for a referral. At my first appointment, the nurse practitioner told me that although it was unusual to be not taking any preventative measures for over 2 years and not get pregnant, unless we'd been scientifically trying - tracking ovulation, etc. - for at least 3 months, we weren't really "trying".

We'd been hit-and-miss with that stuff, as Martin travels a lot, so it's hard to always be on schedule. Martin had taken all sorts of advice from his married friends with kids, and we did everything, including standing on our heads (almost). I think part of me was scared that if we were being scientific and not being successful, then it was confirmation that there was something wrong.

So in July, we started "trying"... and we had no luck. After three months, I scheduled another appointment with the doctor. (Martin had already scheduled some very humiliating tests, and his results had been unclear. He was scheduled for another appointment when he got back from Africa.) She set me up for a test (HSG), that I was supposed to schedule on the first day of my next cycle. It never came.

By November 15, I realized I was more than a few days late. But I was scared to hope. Martin was in Africa, and I couldn't bear the let-down if the test was negative. So I waited. In weak moments, I would let my guard down and my heart would soar, and I would give myself a reality check. It's not true. You're just a few days late. It's not going to happen. I just couldn't let myself believe it and then be wrong.

By November 19, I was a week late. I had purchased a test the night before, and I took one in the morning at home. It was positive, but it was one of those where the two pink lines have to make a +, and one line was very light. According to the directions, that was positive, but I couldn't believe it. When I got to work, I took another one. It, too, was a very light positive. At lunch, I went to the drug store and bought a digital test. I tried to take it in the bathroom at Wal-Mart, but I screwed up the directions and it was invalid. The directions said I couldn't retake for another hour, so I went back to work and called Martin in Africa. (The time difference was 10 hours, and if I waited until I took the 3rd test, it would be too late to call.) I told him that I had taken two tests, and I was pretty sure we were pregnant. He was so happy he cried. I told him that I was going to take a third test to confirm.

The third test - the digital - left no confusion: Pregnant! (Of course, by the time I got home from work, I had convinced myself I was mistaken, and took a 4th test. Also positive.)

I left that night to see my family for Thanksgiving. Of course, I told my mom the next morning, and she told everyone, including the border guard on our way into Canada! But secretly, I feared that somehow I was mistaken. It wasn't until we came back and the doctor confirmed our 4 pregnancy tests that I finally allowed myself to really, truly believe it: We're going to be parents!