On our way to Mexico, Martin and I received the disappointing confirmation that once again, we were not pregnant. (In hindsight, as hot and brutal as those days in Tijuana were, I'm glad, I guess, that I wasn't.) I was broken. It's so difficult to walk in faith and not let your hopes rise. How can I have faith that God is working with us to have another baby and not hope that this is the month?
This month had special significance, because our baby was due the end of July. Somehow, if we had managed to get pregnant again before our first baby was to be born, it would make this month so much easier. But that's not the case, and it's all the more difficult.
I read this today, and it really encouraged me... in the way that makes you cry in your keyboard.
Why I Wrestle
About a year ago, I confessed some frustration I was having with God. I just felt like I was struggling with Him, like we were pushing each other around and battling over a few issues. My counselor listened and then said,
"God loves that."
This is not the answer I was expecting. I thought he would say, "You need to trust the Lord more." Or "You need to let go and let God." But he didn't say that. He said that God loves when I wrestle with Him. I of course asked why.
"Jon, do you know what is true about wrestling? Have you ever stopped to think about the nature of wrestling? God loves to wrestle with us, because you can't wrestle with someone that is far away. They have to be close to you. It's a very intimate, personal activity."
And I think he was right. I think that God wants me close. I think He wants me near to His side, close enough to feel His breath and know His strength. And when I approach to wrestle over an issue with Him, like Jacob wrestling, I don't think He is angry. I think He is happy, because I am close.
3 comments:
My heart hurts for you guys...keep Him close...we are here for you too...praying for you..
I know I keep alot of feelings about this inside and I wrestle internally daily, but what I can say is that everything in my life has come down to timing. Not the cliche of "God's perfect timing" but in reality, "perfect timing."
When I think of all the perfect timing in our past, us meeting in Tulsa for the very first time-"perfect timing", when we got engaged -perfect timing" :). When we moved out here to Arizona-"perfect timing". Us getting jobs within days of moving here "perfect timing". You losing your job and us getting tax refunds like no other, "perfect timing".
Through all this I am convinced that when it happens for us babe, ...it will be "perfect timing" and if God really is "perfect", well then yes...the cliche is true.
I love you. You are beautiful. I can only hope my daughter will have your eyes.
M
The both of you have made me cry this morning. I love the wrestling analogy and I love Martin's perspective...
There is no doubt in my mind that your hearts desire will be fulfilled and I agree it WILL be the right timing.
You are both so close to my heart.
I love you.
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