Adison Nicole Leeuwner

730 Days Later

2011-04-06T08:00:00.001-07:00

Our baby girl is growing up so fast. I can't believe she's two years old today!

In the last year, Adison has grown up so much! She's so tall and skinny now; she's lost almost all her baby cheeks and belly fat. She is potty trained. She's got 16 teeth now. She weighs 27 pounds. She can count to 20, although she skips 8 and 18. She has over 280 words or phrases (I've been keeping a list!), and loves to chat and sing. She even talks in her sleep. She loves to color and draw. She's very friendly, usually, to everyone but older people (grandmas and grandpas) in particular.

She still loves bath time, although hates to wash her hair. Brushing her teeth is also a favorite, and she currently owns 6 toothbrushes. She has great boundaries about bows in the hair (almost never allowed), and works really hard some days not to wear clothes, either. (Mommy always wins in the end.)

We love to interact with her every day. She's just hilarious, intentionally and not. She loves an audience and will ham it up if anyone is paying attention to her. She still loves a good game of peek-a-boo.

It's been so much fun to see her evolve socially. She truly has friends now. Her best friends (and worst enemies) are the dogs. But she also enjoys the company of her human friends, even if the boys do play pretty rough with her.

There's lots of drama these days as well. Not too many tantrums, but she will drop her head if she's sad or disappointed, and her whole body droops. She'll lay face down on the floor in protest of anything she doesn't like. And she shows surprise with both hands on her cheeks--so stinkin' cute.

She loves the outdoors. We go to the park often, where she will swing for as long as we let her. She also loves to climb and slide, and will narrate whatever activity she is doing. "Climb, climb, climb!" "Run, run, run!" She has a tricycle that she gets pushed on -- still hasn't figured out the pedals, although she tries!

What can we say? We adore her more every day. We thank God that he gave us such a perfect little piece of heaven to hold onto for him.

We are honored to be your parents, Adison Nicole Leeuwner! We love you. "Happy to you."

Mommy & Daddy

She's Walking!!!

2010-05-22T19:29:00.002-07:00

Adison stood up on her own for the first (well, second, but the first time was a fluke and not repeated again for a long time) time on Mother's Day. Then she started launching herself from one place to the next. Now, she's standing up and then walking, 10 steps or more, from one side of the room to the other! We're so proud of our girl...

Happy First Birthday!

2010-04-06T09:03:00.017-07:00

Today, at 10:41 pm, Adison Nicole will be one!

She's had so many changes and accomplishments this year. She started driving, perfected her swordsmanship, and is reading.
OK, not really. But it has been a great year!

We have our one-year appointment later today, so I'm not sure how tall she is, but she's 22.2 pounds, and wearing 18 month pants!

She has two teeth--just got them in the last month or so!--and loves to brush them! We often put her to bed with her toothbrush because she refuses to give it up after bath time.

She loves music, to sing and dance. She's got great rhythm and Martin hopes that she'll be a drummer.

She loves her Daddy! She likes to talk on the phone and on Skype (on the big screen!) when he's away. She's a tough little cookie--we call her Danger Girl--because she loves to be thrown and dropped and in all sorts of ways be wild! Daddies are great for that.

She's so affectionate, always giving kisses. She's a very content and happy girl. She's a total clown and will do anything for a laugh. She loves watching videos of herself, and laughs at herself. She's amazing.

She eats just about anything, except for fruit. We can't seem to find anything she likes! She'll eat almost anything once (except for oranges), but then she will refuse it later. Her favorite foods are pickles, avocados, and chili. She decided about 5 months ago that she didn't want to eat anything she couldn't feed herself, so mealtime is always a big mess!

Bath time is still her favorite time, and we have lots of fun splashing to scare the dogs.

She has a million nicknames, the most popular being "Goose" (Daddy) and "Bug" (Mommy). She's also called Adi, Adi Bug, Funny Face, Milk Face, Cute Butt, Whiney Butt, and anything else that seems appropriate at the time.

She's a total night owl, and often doesn't go to bed until 10:30 or 11. In the last two weeks, she's changed her whole routine and now goes to bed in her crib with a bottle--before, she had to fall asleep with us or in the swing, and would never go to be awake. All of a sudden, she's changed it up. (For you Babywise parents, don't judge. Yes, she goes to bed with a bottle... we're working on it.)

She's crawling, climbing, walking (while holding fingers) and sometimes standing on her own. She jabbers constantly, and can say "Mama", "Daddy", "hiyoo" (hello), ti-tu (thank you), and "ya".

We have truly been blessed with Adison. Happy Birthday!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!

One Month to Go!

2010-03-09T11:05:00.001-07:00

Our baby girl is 11 months... here's a video of her "growth chair" photos.

8 Months...

2009-12-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

7 Months - Eating Pasta

2009-11-27T15:11:00.002-07:00

She still doesn't really like solid foods, as you can see in the video, although she's pretty much decided she's not going to eat baby food, either! She takes lots of bottles and whatever solid food she manages to swallow.

So much personality in such a small package!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-23T19:34:00.002-07:00

I couldn't pick just one!

The Sour Face

2009-10-12T14:52:00.002-07:00

Six Months

2009-10-06T08:40:00.004-07:00

Adison at 2 weeks and 6 months... with the same bear. It's hard to believe she was ever so small!

The past 6 months have gone by so quickly. We are still so blessed, amazed and thankful to have our little miracle with us. She truly is a joyful, delightful baby, and she makes me laugh every day.

She has learned to roll over, from back to front, but has only done the reverse twice. She still is able to move very quickly by wiggling around on her back. She can get three or four feet off the blanket on the floor before I notice!

She's eating baby food now, but still hasn't mastered the art of chewing. Feeding time is a mess, and it takes a long time. Most bites get processed two or three times before they stay in, so Daddy refuses to feed her!

She laughs all the time, and babbles. She said "ma ma ma ma" this morning, but I can't count it because she doesn't mean it yet. She loves to squeal/scream just to hear her own voice. She has also developed a fake cough that she uses when we're not paying enough attention to her. She can stick out her tongue and blow raspberries, but saves it for special occasions.

We sure love our girl!

More From Adi

2009-08-26T10:06:00.006-07:00

I love it when she gets all excited and makes her huffing noises...

An Adi First

2009-08-12T14:45:00.003-07:00

Videos Only Grandparents Could Love

2009-08-03T23:19:00.009-07:00

Sorry, folks... this is seriously interesting for the grandparents, and not for anyone else. :) She's not used to this camera, so she got really serious when I turned it on and just stared at it.

Tummy Time!

Sleepy Girl

Look at those thighs...

Even though she's not doing anything particularly interesting, she's still adorable to us!

Adison Laughs

2009-07-01T17:46:00.002-07:00

A Good Day...

2009-06-12T11:46:00.004-07:00

I'm trying to find a good app for my iPhone to update these blogs, or it's never going to happen. The hours I spend on my desktop computer, if I even get hours in a day, are spent feverishly catching up on design work, personal finances, etc.

Blogging is a luxury, although we're faithfully posting pics to our Facebook accounts.

I am having some deep thoughts on Motherhood... if I can remember them! I often think, I should blog about that, but then the moment passes and I can't remember what I was thinking.

This has been and continues to be the best time of my life. The hours spent staring into her sweet face are being logged in my memory, as I know she will soon grow and leave this phase behind. In the past 9 weeks, she's already grown and changed so much. (The tightness of her "I Love Daddy" onesie is a testament to the little piggie's growth. She LOVES to eat.)

Yes, my daughter is flipping the bird. What can I say? She's still adorable, even when she's mad.

Six Weeks

2009-05-19T13:30:00.005-07:00

Oh, how our lives have changed in six weeks!

I had my follow-up doctor appointment today, and woo-hoo! I am 154 pounds. That is less than when I got pregnant. I have been so blessed to only gain 20-some pounds during the pregnancy and to lose it so quickly after. (The picture to the right is at 2 weeks after delivery... I managed to fit into the outfit that I wore in our anniversary photos the year before. It was a tight fit, but it felt great!)

She smiles now, and makes noises. We're still working on getting her on a good schedule, but she only wakes me up once most nights, and some nights she lets me sleep 7 or 8 hours! (Of course, I get up between 4 AM and 6 AM most mornings now, and I used to get up at 8:30 AM, so technically she's waking me up twice.)

She has stolen our hearts, completely. What a miracle she is.

I sing to her all the time:

You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me
Can't you see?
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

Sneak Peek

2009-04-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

Check out our baby bump photos!

UPDATE: More photos here... of the girl!

A Whole New World

2009-04-11T15:31:00.005-07:00

On Monday, April 6, 2009 at 10:41 pm,
Adison Nicole Leeuwner entered the world.
She was 8 lbs, 21.5" and all perfection.

Martin posted updates and photos to his Facebook profile throughout the entire delivery process, and continues to post photos on an almost hourly basis.

The Leeuwner, Folland, Lembo, Pauls and Beere families are all excited about the new arrival.

Home Stretch

2009-03-23T18:36:00.002-07:00

We're approaching 38 weeks... and I had a doctor's appointment today. She gave us the green light - Adison can come any time now, everything is ready. The baby has turned head-down. I'm not dilated at all, but things are moving in that direction. She gave us a list of what to look for, when to call, when to head to the hospital, etc. It's really happening.

It's so hard to believe that the squirmy sensation in my belly is going to be a baby in my arms in just a matter of a week or two. (She said hopefully.) It's so hard to imagine how much our lives are going to change in that instant.

I've gained a total of 21 pounds now. It doesn't look larger to me, but all of my maternity tank tops no longer fully reach the bottom of the belly.

We're still making final prep on the nursery - Martin needs to finish the closet, and the curtains/crib bumper/ruffle need to be installed - and I need to figure out exactly what decorations should go on the walls besides just paint. But we're ready. As ready as we can be!

Here's a question for you moms - as I pack for the hospital, I am wondering what I need that I'm not thinking of. Any advice? Anything that will prove invaluable? What do I have to have for the first few days that we're home?

One Month and Counting!

2009-03-10T19:43:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was 1 month before our due date. It's so hard to believe that she'll be here in just a few weeks.

We took a couple more belly shots tonight just to satisfy the relatives. :)

I really am just all baby, for which I am so very grateful. I think I've gained 15 pounds so far... which really isn't much. I've always joked that I'm the tall white giant around all the small brown elves who are my friends. I guess this is one positive to being so tall...

I'm feeling great. Don't take that to mean that I am not ready to get this girl OUT! I've lost the ability to do a lot of stuff that I took for granted before, but I am so blessed to have a flexible schedule and be able to lie down whenever I want. I'm not terribly uncomfortable, but I'm not ever really comfortable, either.

Life is good!

The Nursery

2009-02-16T10:37:00.005-07:00

Pictures of the painted nursery... we have two brown walls, a blue wall, and a green wall. We've got a crib, changing table and book shelf.

We're still working on putting some shelving in the closet, and we need a rocker of some sort.

Also, some dear friends (Tonya & Terra) are sewing the curtains, crib bumper and skirt from the material we picked out, so that should tie it all together!

These hair bows were a gift from Jessica.

The green silk blanket was a gift from my brother from China. It matches perfectly!

This is so going to be Martin...

2009-01-26T08:56:00.002-07:00

He already gags if food goes bad in the trash... I can't wait to see him try to handle a dirty diaper.

Really?

2009-01-19T17:12:00.002-07:00

I get a lot of emails from all sorts of baby places, and most of them have useful hints and activities. However, this article caught my eye today and the accompanying picture was just so... wrong.

I think pregnancy is beautiful, but not like this.

Fabric Shopping...

2009-01-16T16:30:00.003-07:00

I have the perfect fabric in my mind... but finding it is proving impossible! We need to get this step completed so we can register for all of the other nursery items to match. The shower is in just a few weeks, and so the clock is ticking on this project.

I have something like this in mind:

I can't find anything like it. I can find polka dots, I can find circles and squares, I can find similar colors in different shapes... but I can't find anything like it.

Time is running out, and we may have to change our plans. I'm a little disappointed.

Step 1

2009-01-12T18:53:00.003-07:00

Inspired by some people who are really on their nursery-decorating game, we took the first step to get the nursery set up for Adison.

We bought a shed.

No, we are not going to make our infant daughter sleep outside.

Step 1 - get a shed, and get all of the lawn equipment, paint, tools, camping supplies, sports equipment, etc. out of our laundry room storage.

Step 2 - move all production and business equipment out of nursery. We also are using the closet for storage of photos, books, Christmas decorations, etc., which should go in the laundry room storage as well.

Step 3 - move all furniture out of what used to be our guest room.

(intermediate step... we have to find the perfect fabric to make curtains and other items, which will dictate our other bedding and paint colors... which influences our baby registry, so we need to get this done ASAP!!!)

Step 4 - paint, renovate closet, and install baby furniture.

We took a little stab at Step 4 today by purchasing an IKEA bookcase (in brown-black) that will be storage and decoration. We almost bought the crib, but ran into a couple kinks. Nothing's available in-store these days!

It's coming together... slowly!

Bump!

2008-12-13T19:33:00.007-07:00

What is that? It's Adison!
23 weeks, 2 days

The shirt was a birthday gift from my mom.

We've also had a couple of milestones since my last post:

Monday, December 7
We received notice that I had been approved for AHCCCS! We're still trying to figure out all the details, but it's great news!!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2 AM
Martin felt Adison move for the first time.

Monday, December 1
Martin and I went to my check-up. I have gained 3 pounds in 5 months. My doctor said that after Thanksgiving, she's usually telling patients to slow down, but I could "stand to eat a little bit more".

I've posted more photos of the bump on our Flickr.com page. (I have awful posture!!!)

What's In A Name?

2008-11-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

Several of you have asked where we came up with the name. Well, of course it has deep, very spiritual roots.

Adison [English]
of Adam

Nicole [Greek, French]
victorious

1 Corinthians 15 (NLT)
45 The Scriptures tell us, “The first man, Adam, became a living person.” But the last Adam—that is, Christ—is a life-giving Spirit. ... 55 "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” 56 For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. 57 But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Does anyone buy that? Because it's so not true. I just looked up what the names mean and found a scripture to support it. But it's a nice thought, isn't it? :)

Truth be told, I don't recall where I first heard the name Adison.

I've been naming my children for years, and had whittled down the list of names to a favorite few. Of course, once I got married, several were out the window for obvious reasons. There will be no Lucas Leeuwner! Too many loos in one name. And then, of course, there's the give-and-take process of negotiation with your spouse. There's always the kids we knew growing up or in high school that had that name, or some random connection that you've made over the years with a name.

Some of my favorites were:

BOYS

Jack, or Jackson
Lucas
Aidan
Jamison
which is my brother's name, and since we already have a James, Jamison (who we call Jami), Jimi and Jamie among the cousins and spouses on my mom's side of the family, I'm pretty sure we would have never gone with this
Spencer
Ethan
Elliot
Joshua
but this is our nephew's name, so it's out

GIRLS

Adison
Zoe
Kerith Corinne
OK, this one is weird, but it DOES have a Biblical root: in 1 Kings 17, the prophet Elijah's life is in danger, and God sends him to the Kerith Ravine, where ravens bring him food and he drinks from the brook. I always loved this story of God's ultimate provision and protection, and the name could be shortened to Keri.
Cara or Kara
Jolie Nicole
I love names with Jo in them - Jolie, Josie (but there are Pussycats, so that's out), Josette - and my mom and stepdad's names are Jo & Nick, which would be cool.
Juliana or Julian
of course, now we know a Juliana, so that's out
Genesis
what's funny is I've seen kids with this name, so it's not just my weirdness
Olivia (Liv for short)

What's funny is I never really dreamed about having a daughter... we always talked about having boys. And yet, I have about 15 more girl names that I can't think of right now. I think it's because there are so many things you can name a girl, but about 80% of boy names make you afraid he's going to get beat up.

Well, when we were picking out names, Adison was one of the best options that we both liked, and it didn't hurt that Kate Walsh's character on Grey's Anatomy was named Addison Montgomery, and she was a strong, beautiful woman. As for the spelling, I prefer names without repeated consonants. Martin suggested Adisson, but it was too close to Radisson for me.

As for Nicole, it works very well as a middle name (you know how names have to "flow"), and it's a plus that she's named after one of her grandpas.

Anyway, that's how we came up with our Adison Nicole. We'll probably tell her the spiritual version, until Noelle ruins it for her. Of course, she'll be googling herself by age 3 and will probably find this page herself. You know kids these days. :)

There's nothing worse than playing the "what does your name mean?" game and have to go with "little red Chinese flower", right, Wes?

Shopping Time!

2008-11-17T14:10:00.004-07:00

So, I'm finally showing (I know... where are the pictures? We lost our camera!), and have been shopping little by little for maternity clothes. I'm generally a very CHEAP shopper, and I can't see paying $40-50 for pants, when I don't pay more than $25 for "real" jeans. I've kind of exhausted the local Ross stores meager maternity sections for pants, which are all denim or super-relaxed lounge pants.

On the positive side, there are some really cute styles of shirts right now that work for maternity, even if they're not. I'm loving the freedom to wear baggier shirts and not worry that I look pregnant. :)

So, ladies, where have you found great deals on maternity clothes, particularly pants? I haven't tried the maternity stores, just because I assume the prices will be higher there.

Any good tips?

It's A...

2008-11-12T17:24:00.002-07:00

I had a little coffee before our appointment, and she was wide awake! The ultrasound tech called her "a maniac" because she was wiggling and arching her back and not holding still at all. We got to see her hands and feet, and she clasped her hands together, sucked on her fingers, and kicked her feet while we were watching. It was magical.

Boy or Girl?

2008-11-10T15:28:00.005-07:00

Well... we have the appointment this Wednesday to (hopefully) find out.

In the meantime, here are the predictions:

Chinese Birth Chart says it will be: GIRL
Noelle Larson says it will be: GIRL
My mother says it will be: GIRL

As this does not seem to be the year for surprise results, I'm guessing we should start preparing for a GIRL.

We'll keep you posted.

Baby's Heartbeat at 121⁄2 weeks

2008-10-22T10:43:00.005-07:00

Yes, it does sound a lot like when someone accidentally calls you from their purse. :)

15 weeks!

2008-10-15T11:36:00.003-07:00

Tomorrow will be 15 weeks, and we are well into the 2nd trimester. The nausea has abated quite a bit, although my relationship with food is still somewhat shaky. I used to eat one or two meals a day, never really needing to eat as much as I needed to sleep. Now, if I don't eat every 3-4 hours, I get shaky, my head hurts, I feel weak, and sometimes I think I'm going to faint. It's unsettling, especially when you're out shopping!

The baby should be about 4" right now, and weigh about 1.5 oz. I'm not really showing yet. I'll have to start taking pictures soon. Our next doctor appointment is November 12, and we'll find out then if it's a boy or a girl!

We've heard in the past few weeks of several expectant couples who miscarried - old high school friends, family of friends, friends of family - and it makes us thankful that this one has been healthy so far! But our heart breaks for those who are now going through the re-adjustment to not expecting, and we know how it feels. Please pray for those you know are going through this.

On the other side, so many people are looking forward to bundles of joy coming soon! In our church alone, 4 are expecting, 3 of which will deliver before the end of the year. We're looking forward to meeting the newest member of our church by this weekend!

I'm Afraid...

2008-09-08T12:51:00.002-07:00

...that our baby is going to look like this.

(OK, it's a lousy picture, but I figured searching for a picture of a baby Mr. Potato Head for more than 30 minutes was a sign of something that I didn't want to be.)

Seriously, all I eat is potatoes. French fries are good. Mashed potatoes are fantastic. I found out the other day fried potatoes don't work so great...

This "morning sickness" lasts all day long, and I can't recall the last time I ate something because it sounded good. I can't recall the last time I ate something that tasted good. I can't recall the last time I ate something without the tiniest thought to what it might taste like coming back up.

I have some Jello squares setting in the fridge. I have high hopes for these... but we'll have to see.

April 9

2008-09-02T15:23:00.002-07:00

If our baby is indeed born on 4/9/09, he or she will share a birthday with:

Quite a diverse and interesting crowd of people.

He or she will also share a birthday month with:

Waiting to Exhale

2008-08-29T13:22:00.005-07:00

I'm not one to worry, but there has been a pit in my stomach for the past few weeks. Although I knew that everything was going to be fine with the baby, I couldn't shake that lingering thought that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't.

This morning, I had my first ultrasound. There was a tiny body, with a flashing, flickering little heartbeat! My friend Lisa was there with me, and she started crying. Tonya says that's appropriate, since Lisa was standing in for Martin, and he would have cried, too.

I'm so thankful to know that this baby is healthy and growing. The heart rate was 167, which both Lisa and Noelle say means it's a girl. We'll see about that!

Due Date

2008-08-25T16:08:00.003-07:00

I had my first doctor's appointment today, and our official due date is April 9, 2009! (I don't know what makes the doctor's math more official than mine, but...)

I was disappointed that they hadn't scheduled the ultrasound with today's appointment. Don't even get me started with how horribly doctors, insurance companies, etc. handle a pregnancy that doesn't make it to term. I'll have to rant about that later.

So, I have our first ultrasound on Friday morning to confirm that there is a heartbeat. Then, in another four weeks, we'll have another where we should be able to hear it!

Thanks for all your prayers and support...

Blessed

2008-08-05T21:10:00.001-07:00

"You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said."

Luke 1:45

Why I Wrestle

2008-07-11T09:39:00.003-07:00

On our way to Mexico, Martin and I received the disappointing confirmation that once again, we were not pregnant. (In hindsight, as hot and brutal as those days in Tijuana were, I'm glad, I guess, that I wasn't.) I was broken. It's so difficult to walk in faith and not let your hopes rise. How can I have faith that God is working with us to have another baby and not hope that this is the month?

This month had special significance, because our baby was due the end of July. Somehow, if we had managed to get pregnant again before our first baby was to be born, it would make this month so much easier. But that's not the case, and it's all the more difficult.

I read this today, and it really encouraged me... in the way that makes you cry in your keyboard.

Why I Wrestle

About a year ago, I confessed some frustration I was having with God. I just felt like I was struggling with Him, like we were pushing each other around and battling over a few issues. My counselor listened and then said,

"God loves that."

This is not the answer I was expecting. I thought he would say, "You need to trust the Lord more." Or "You need to let go and let God." But he didn't say that. He said that God loves when I wrestle with Him. I of course asked why.

"Jon, do you know what is true about wrestling? Have you ever stopped to think about the nature of wrestling? God loves to wrestle with us, because you can't wrestle with someone that is far away. They have to be close to you. It's a very intimate, personal activity."

And I think he was right. I think that God wants me close. I think He wants me near to His side, close enough to feel His breath and know His strength. And when I approach to wrestle over an issue with Him, like Jacob wrestling, I don't think He is angry. I think He is happy, because I am close.

What inspires you?

2008-04-16T09:51:00.007-07:00

Last night, Brad spoke to our staff about speaking to mountains and using our faith and our words to change the circumstances that we face. I have to say, what he said inspired me.

“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth,
if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed,
you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”
Matthew 17:20 (NLT)

I have moments when I'm really aware of what I am feeling and thinking, and those usually turn into blog posts. For the rest of the time, I go along happily in contented distraction, not really tuned into my every thought and emotion. I am often blindsided by the depth of my emotional reaction to something, which gets me thinking, which makes me realize that I've been feeling one way or another... is any of this making sense?

I wouldn't say I'm in denial, although sometimes it might be. It's more like I get wrapped up with the external and lose touch with the internal. Then something happens, sometimes almost unrelated or unremarkable, and I find myself crying. It often takes me a while to discover what it is I'm reacting to.

Anyhow, I realized last night that I've been unconsciously avoiding the whole "trying again" thing, returning to our previous "if it happens, it will happen" stance. There's something about "not really trying" that softens the disappointment. I thought it was the circumstances of our lives and schedules creating the "not trying" situation, but it was really me.

After Brad's comments last night, and several conversations Martin and I have had recently, I decided to speak to the mountain, to take positive action, to really do something in faith.

The day we found out we had lost the baby, I stopped taking my prenatal pills. I hated taking them, they made me feel sicker and if I wasn't doing it to take care of the baby, there was no point.

Ideally, you should take prenatal vitamins before conception so that your folic acid levels are high during the crucial first few weeks of development. This morning, as a very small, mustard-seed-sized step, I took my first vitamin. And I will continue to do so until God's promise to us comes to pass, again.

Thanks for continuing to pray for us.

Ephesians 3:16,17,19

2008-04-01T08:29:00.003-07:00

“You are mistaken to think the absence of trials will bring happiness.
You gain insight into My ways and purposes by careful study of My Word.
I show you the way of skillful and Godly wisdom.
It is not wisdom to wish for a magical cure for the sufferings in life.
Rather, pray for strength and reinforcement in your inner person
by the mighty power of my Holy Spirit.

Become rooted in love, founded securely on love, and suffering will not threaten you so.
Come to know and experience for yourself the rich goodness of My love,
which surpasses every false peace that the world offers.
Then you will be filled with My fullness-wholly filled and flooded with Me
and the sting of suffering will be removed.”

Why?

2008-03-07T12:54:00.007-07:00

On our way to and from our short missions trip to Mexico, a few weeks ago, we passed through Why, AZ. I don't know why it's named that, but it got me thinking about something.

I shared this with a friend several weeks ago, and then a conversation I had with another friend this weekend prompted me to dig it out and post it here:

When I was in college, I struggled a lot with my faith and questions regarding what I actually believed. I was and am still an analytical thinker, majored in mathematics and really needed "proof" for everything. Every question that was raised against what I had been raised to believe (and in a secular college, believe me, it was almost a daily thing) needed to be answered, explained, disproved. I was miserable. I hadn't quite grasped that I serve a deeply mysterious God whose depth and greatness I will never be able to fathom. I was 21, knew a lot more than I know now, and thought that if I couldn't understand something, it must not be right or true. I struggled, I researched, and I found a lot of answers. But those answers never brought me the "sureness" I was looking for.

There came a point in my struggle that I had to stop looking for a rebuttal or answer to every question. What finally came to me, and I see the wisdom in it now that I'm older, was that I had to figure out what I really, really knew. The world is so relative to each person's experience, and you don't always know what you know or don't know.

And I realized that what I knew for sure was the feeling deep in my heart, the sense of God's spirit, even though I never "heard his voice", the true sureness of know him and his love for me. It was "realer" and truer than any argument, for or against his existence. It was truer than how I felt, or what I didn't know, or what I thought I knew. I knew that I knew God. One of my favorite scriptures is in 2 Timothy 1:12 when Paul says, "That is why I am suffering here in prison. But I am not ashamed of it, for I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until the day of his return." I know in whom I have believed. And that answers any "why" that might come up.

One of the things I wanted to post on the Baby Blog, but haven't had time to really do it right yet, is just about that word "why". I used to ask it a lot, about the things I see in the world, the things that I've seen happen in churches, and the things that happen to me. I once heard a woman who had lost her 6-year-old daughter to a long battle with cancer - and they were leaders in the name-it-and-claim-it Word/Faith movement in Tulsa - speak about the question "why?". Obviously, she had many reasons to ask why in the aftermath of losing her daughter to illness, when they knew and believed that God had provided for our health through Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. And she said, and this is obviously a paraphrase from my remembering of what she said, that God said to her that the root of the word why is in chaos. That no matter how many times or ways that God could explain to us the "why" of what happens, it truly is beyond our scope at this time to understand. And that she was to trust in him and his love and know that he knew why.

I was surprised when we lost the baby that I never felt the need to ask why. Because I know in whom I have believed, and I know that he has a plan for me, and for us, and for our family. I don't need to know why because I know that he was there, and we were supported and comforted and blessed in our loss.

I read a book several weeks ago that astounded me both with its intellectual and emotional depth. A friend of ours had given it to Martin and he hadn't made it past the second chapter. I picked it up because there was nothing else in the house to read (and we'd shut off the TV for 3 weeks during the church's fast).

I think I read it in a day. I was so excited about what this book had to say that I recommended it to several friends. Terri's reading it now, and I'm eager to hear her thoughts on it.

It's a simple book. A relatively short book. A novel, of sorts (anyone who knows me knows what a struggle it is for me to read anything else!). And the portrait it paints of God - of the Trinity, actually, which I enjoyed and accepted although I don't believe in that particular theological construct, but that's an entirely different discussion - is astounding. The answers, and I use that term loosely, that it offers for one of the biggest questions of humanity ring so true. This book speaks to God's love in the midst of tragedy and sin and the unspeakable things humans do to each other. It speaks of relationship and forgiveness and the true depth of God's love.

For those of those struggling with a "why", I think that this book will help you to come to the place where you can let it go as well.

Read it and let me know what you think.

My Feet Show It

2008-01-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know Martin and my dating story know that it was not a simple, easy or straight path. We had a few roadblocks, dead ends and one big pothole.

In times of sadness, stress and frustration, you learn some things about yourself. I once heard someone say that people are like ketchup packets: until you squeeze them, you don't know what's really inside. Well, among other things, I found that a really lousy poet is inside me. When I feel rotten, I write rotten poetry. Our dating saga produced some doozies. I sure hope that I threw them away...

After a particularly hard night last week, this is what came to me. Enjoy, or not, as it is truly terrible.

My Womb

Is an empty tomb; the tiny body spirited away.
Is an unoccupied room; the little one couldn't stay.
Is a garden without bloom;... something that ends in "day"?

That's as far as I got. It's been in my Drafts folder for over a week, and I finally
decided that there was no more inspiration in that particular well. I hope the laugh you get from my morose and overly simplistic rhyming scheme makes your day better.

No Tears in Heaven

2008-01-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes,
and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.
All these things are gone forever.

Matthew 6:10
May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.

Galatians 6:2
Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.

There are many scriptures about the Church being one body. We often hear the local church assembly being referred to as family. But until you experience what we have experienced these past few weeks, these are just words that we use.

From the first phone call to last night's prayer meeting, we have been supported, surrounded and comforted by our closest friends, those we attend church with, and those we have just met during our church merge. From the first convergence of support, both to me here in Phoenix and to Martin in Las Vegas, we have been stunned by the generosity of those around us. Everything was dropped so that I wouldn't have to be alone. Travel plans were made so that Martin could be home with me that night. So many offers to bring meals, to be with us at the surgery center, to just hang out. So many prayers. So many notes of encouragement. So many hugs and smiles. So many who shared their own stories of loss so that we would know there is hope.

I have seen more tears in others' eyes as they ask how we are doing that I know that many have been shed in private for our loss. And I am surprised by how few tears I have shed for myself. And now I see it: when we get to heaven, Jesus himself will wipe the tears from our eyes and there will be no more crying. My church family, my own body, have cried tears on our behalf, have carried our burden, have prayed peace and strength beyond what we could have even imagined, and have brought a little bit of heaven to earth.

Thank you all.

Gettin' Naked

2007-12-31T14:50:00.001-07:00

My first thought when I found out that we were not, in fact, going to be having a baby in July, was how many people I had to tell. That thought was so overwhelming... and I'm so glad that many of you have gently and quietly spread the word for us.

My next thought was how much of my life I had to "put back": the maternity clothes, the baby stuff, the books and this blog. I was going to delete it, but Terri said that I shouldn't. This isn't the end of our baby journey. Just a pit stop we didn't anticipate.

So until we can start (more cautiously, I'm sure) celebrating the NEXT one... I'm going to use this to journal my feelings about this journey we're on. And I don't think it's always going to be pretty. It likely won't be what you expect. And I might say things that shock you. But this is my journey, my loss and my journal, so I'm going to "get naked" with my feelings and say what I think.

Humor is a big part of my life. I love to laugh. And I hate to cry. That balance has been out of whack since Friday, but slowly we are getting back to what feels more normal. Last night, I went to see Juno with a group of friends. I wasn't sure how the movie would make me feel, all things considered, and I was pleasantly surprised that although the entire film was about pregnancy, birth and wanting a child, it was handled with such wit and empathy and humor that I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There were moments I could identify with, and it was definitely a chick flick with teary moments, but I really laughed a lot.

I'll write more about this later, but I just want to say that I am overwhelmed by how thankful and blessed I feel right now. The outpouring of love and the friends who stepped up and dropped everything to just be there... it still makes me tear up just thinking about it. We have such wonderful people in our lives. We are so blessed.

There's No Easy Way to Say This

2007-12-28T17:53:00.001-07:00

I went in today for an ultrasound, and they couldn't find a heartbeat. After several tests and ultrasounds, we found out that our baby stopped growing 4 weeks ago.

I'm terribly sorry for everyone having to find out like this... it's just not a phone call I want to make 25 times. Crappy news isn't as fun to share.

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and well-wishes. We're doing fine. We'll post more as the weeks pass, I'm sure.

We're not giving up!

Maternity Clothes

2007-12-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

My mom is so excited about this baby. She's already bought quite a bit of maternity clothing for me.

My question is this: what SIZE do we buy? If I wear a medium or large now, do I just buy that in the maternity clothes? Or do I size up?

I've always liked maternity clothes. Old Navy has the cutest stuff!

It Ain't Easy Being Green

2007-12-18T12:46:00.001-07:00

This weekend the morning sickness (which is really 7 AM - 5 PM sickness) seemed to be worse. I don't know if it's because I was off my routine, so I didn't have a snack handy like I usually do, or if it truly was worse, but I was just miserable all weekend.

Yes, that's right, on my birthday. I had a lovely time on Saturday morning at breakfast with friends and then a luxurious pedicure - with a paraffin wax! - and then I went home and crashed. Martin and I were supposed to go to a movie that night, but I begged off. I basically slept from 2 pm until I got up and went to bed at 10 pm.

Sunday morning was rough, and although I had my smoothie, I was still so queasy all morning. I had a small lunch, which probably contributed to my queasiness in the afternoon as well. By the time we got home, I was faint, sick, tired, headachy, achy, just plain miserable. Again, I napped the afternoon and evening away.

Monday morning was when I realized that perhaps I was so used to feeling bad that I hadn't noticed that I was really sick. In addition to the nausea and tiredness, I had a sore throat, runny nose, cough and I ached. That's not morning sickness! I stayed home from work, slept until noon, got up and ate, napped, got up to take a shower, almost threw up, ate a popsicle, napped some more, watched a TV movie while my sheets were in the washer/dryer, and went to bed.

This morning, I feel just as lousy. I'm not sure if this is going to be the new "normal" or if I'm still fighting a bug. Either way, I'm ready to feel like myself again!

Our Hearts' Longing

2007-12-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

Psalm 21:2
For you have given [us our] heart’s desire;
you have withheld nothing [we] requested.

In May 2002, Martin and I were married. We both knew we wanted to have children, and had actually spent several evenings while we were dating at Barnes & Noble, only to end up looking at baby name books. It wasn't a question of if but when.

We moved to Arizona in January 2004, and were so excited about the journey that we were on with our closest friends. In time, we decided that we were ready to start our family. Christmas 2004 was spent with my family in Seattle, and I was humming with the knowledge that we would soon have great news for my family. As my grandmother, mother and I made greeting cards, I made cards to use in the next few months to let my parents know we were pregnant.

We planned so carefully, considering the Arizona summers. We stopped using birth control in March of 2005, fully expectant that we would soon be parents. (That gives us an October or November baby, only a few months pregnant during the hottest months.) And nothing happened.

I had let my mom know that we were trying, and she often told me that she was praying for it to happen at the right time. (When I told her that we were finally pregnant, she shared that both she and Nick had felt like it wasn't going to happen right away.) I knew it would happen at the right time, but I wanted the right time to be NOW.

Our life was full, busy, active, and we didn't let our lack of success discourage us. As the months passed, we continued to hope, but really weren't that preoccupied or disappointed as each month turned out to not be the right one.

There were low times, to be sure. As the months passed and it didn't look like this was going to be as easy as we first thought, my desire for a child grew. So small at first, I didn't even notice that an ache began to reside in my heart. The most unexpected thing - a silly TV show, a child in the mall, an unknowing question from a stranger - would cause it to flare up. I cried in disappointment, in frustration.

We grew closer as a couple, and had some really great events happen. We bought our first home in May 2005. In September 2006, we started Financial Peace University, Dave Ramsey's 16-week course in finances that changed our lives. We worked on our relationship, our communication, and ourselves.

In October 2006, I attended my cousin Luke's wedding in Kansas. Of course, my extended family was giving me a hard time about when we were going to have kids, and I said, "We've been trying. I don't think we're doing it right!" Later that afternoon, my cousin Jimi approached me and asked if we really had been trying. As I shared with her how long we had, it struck me that it had been two years since we had decided to try (only 19 months actually trying). I hadn't realized it had been so long, and I was flooded by hopelessness. On the flight home a few days later, the baby in the seat in front of me kept pressing her hand to the window. As I looked at those chubby little fingers, I wept for the baby I desperately wanted. (Those of you who saw me at Trunk-or-Treat and wondered why I was a tearful mess... that's why.)

In June 2007, I finally went to my doctor and asked for a referral. At my first appointment, the nurse practitioner told me that although it was unusual to be not taking any preventative measures for over 2 years and not get pregnant, unless we'd been scientifically trying - tracking ovulation, etc. - for at least 3 months, we weren't really "trying".

We'd been hit-and-miss with that stuff, as Martin travels a lot, so it's hard to always be on schedule. Martin had taken all sorts of advice from his married friends with kids, and we did everything, including standing on our heads (almost). I think part of me was scared that if we were being scientific and not being successful, then it was confirmation that there was something wrong.

So in July, we started "trying"... and we had no luck. After three months, I scheduled another appointment with the doctor. (Martin had already scheduled some very humiliating tests, and his results had been unclear. He was scheduled for another appointment when he got back from Africa.) She set me up for a test (HSG), that I was supposed to schedule on the first day of my next cycle. It never came.

By November 15, I realized I was more than a few days late. But I was scared to hope. Martin was in Africa, and I couldn't bear the let-down if the test was negative. So I waited. In weak moments, I would let my guard down and my heart would soar, and I would give myself a reality check. It's not true. You're just a few days late. It's not going to happen. I just couldn't let myself believe it and then be wrong.

By November 19, I was a week late. I had purchased a test the night before, and I took one in the morning at home. It was positive, but it was one of those where the two pink lines have to make a +, and one line was very light. According to the directions, that was positive, but I couldn't believe it. When I got to work, I took another one. It, too, was a very light positive. At lunch, I went to the drug store and bought a digital test. I tried to take it in the bathroom at Wal-Mart, but I screwed up the directions and it was invalid. The directions said I couldn't retake for another hour, so I went back to work and called Martin in Africa. (The time difference was 10 hours, and if I waited until I took the 3rd test, it would be too late to call.) I told him that I had taken two tests, and I was pretty sure we were pregnant. He was so happy he cried. I told him that I was going to take a third test to confirm.

The third test - the digital - left no confusion: Pregnant! (Of course, by the time I got home from work, I had convinced myself I was mistaken, and took a 4th test. Also positive.)

I left that night to see my family for Thanksgiving. Of course, I told my mom the next morning, and she told everyone, including the border guard on our way into Canada! But secretly, I feared that somehow I was mistaken. It wasn't until we came back and the doctor confirmed our 4 pregnancy tests that I finally allowed myself to really, truly believe it: We're going to be parents!

Big News!

2007-11-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

Mark your calendars: July 22, 2008 is our due date!